boring. read some of my book. ate chinese. went to maxx. attention drifted. joanna messaged me. i have to stop putting up such random away messages. floris, don’t use encryption on this version anymore. i have to manually unencrypt them when switching to the local db. i’m extremely sleepy now so i’m going to […]

i hate mondays. i spent the better part of the day in a dark mood… work was work. last night i decided to block joanna for too many reasons to list here. bobbi also still seems to see me as a disposable friend, which is very depressing. i don’t know what it is about me […]

There’s a man who leads a life of danger
To every one he meets he stays a stranger
With every move he makes another chance he takes
The odds are he won’t live to see tomorrow
Secret agent man
Secret agent man
He’s giving you a number and taking away your name
Beware of pretty faces that you find
A pretty face can […]

oh man did i call this or what. it’s really an odd thing, knowing what you’re doing is wrong and yet you continue to do it. i’m sure you can relate cj. anyway i’m sure all of this is for the best for you and joanna, all i ever did was drag you down with […]

confuse me. and i have so many thoughts on this subject i can barely keep them straight and conformed. what spurred this post is the conversation i just had with cj/joanna (i’m pretty sure they both were in on it, but who can tell anymore. since they’re not fighting today joanna’s defending him so they […]

i’m starting to feel pretty bad about everything. i need to come up with something to occupy my time so this doesn’t happen anymore. i’ve succeeded in destroying 2 very good friendships, and i wanted to, they both know why i wanted to, but now i am not absolutely sure that it was the best […]

it’s been days, or maybe weeks, since i’ve spoken to cj joanna floris mom dad sister brother aunt uncle cousin nephew neice. i feel truly alone in the world and it’s of my own doing. alas i cannot bear to speak to any of them, becuz they don’t say the things i want to hear […]

i feel like utter shit. i am not going to be talking to much of anyone for a while. i sincerely tried to resist this slump but people are assholes and i just want to die. i am hollow. i have nothing left. my heart is a billion miles away. i have nothing left to […]

since i have been sick all day, i spent some time cleaning up my mp3s and also copying over some Cds i got from a guy. the end result is here: mp3 playlist

well, i’m getting settled into my new place. the crazy lady next door keeps screaming, and banging on stuff, which scares me a little. i truly think one day she will try to kill me. aside from that things are cool, i’m typing this now on a dialup connection to my mom’s computer which is […]

i feel like i could do anything. i feel like i’m not below average, not an invalid. i feel like i have a long happy life ahead of me and i want to enjoy it. i’m not sure how much longer this feeling will last but it’s coming at a VERY good time. lots of […]

let’s play a game. we’ll just type every word that comes to mind, on a variety of subjects. first is what you’re feeling right now:
sleepy
sad
anxious
restless
regrettful
eager
longing
heartbroken
lonely
aimless
how about.. death?
curious
flippant
needed
blissful
answer
and girls?
mystery
tricky
mind games
vital
misleading
hurtful
evil
finally… family?
dysfunctional
unneccessary
complicating
mean
nasty
screwed up
unclean
unfit
good work.. you win.

since people have lost interest, or have been tricked, i feel safe in posting more relevant topics.

for the next month (possibly shorter) i will not go out anywhere aside from work and lunch, and of course this weekend with bobbi.
also, i am not going to be talking to anyone on the phone or online. i’ll […]

some of you have been getting emails from me lately. like tonight. read them carefully.

i haven’t been able to remember my dreams lately. except for last night. i don’t know why…
it started off me and joanna in a diner type thing and she was talking to me about something, i can’t remember what it was but it sounded important, and when i looked up her eyes were very big. […]

since people (read: my family) seem to have stopped reading the site, i guess i can start posting more personal things again.
my bouts of depression are occuring at a much more rapid pace, but they don’t seem to last as long. i used to feel down a few days at a time maybe once or […]

the new job is going ok.. i’m having trouble adjusting, since it takes me so long to get used to a new environment. and i think i’m going to have problems, since i am not too great at you know.. talking. heh. but oh well, i’ll get over it.
bobbi, for some reason, seems to have […]

well.. the friendship with cj and subsequently with floris and joanna is over. without going into too much detail, cj is mistakingly under the impression that i have been telling joanna word for word all his deep dark secrets. he says i stabbed him in the back blah blah blah. which is absurd, since he […]

myra is getting on my nerves like crazy… she’s so slow in the head it’s not even funny, but aside from that, she has to ask me “who was that?” every time the phone rings, or “what’s that?” for pretty much everything else that happens. it’s enfuriating. i hit her in the face with a […]

had this dream back in october.. prolly one of the most disturbing i’ve ever had:
“me cj and joanna were out and i was hungry so i went to subway but the subway place was my godmother’s house except work had been done to it, the backyard was gone and so was the kitchen and back […]