jrsmith.net

jrsmith.net is home to JR Smith, a rambling mess of a person who occasionally produces creative things that humans like, and quite often produces horrible things that humans dislike.

The magic that is the internet will allow you to read more about him and the history of this site, if you feel so inclined, or venture into the duldrums. For the less curious, there are galleries containing art and web design (still being stocked).

If, after all that, you actually wish to speak with this poor creature, a number of communication mediums are at your disposal, but use them at your own risk.

18 Comments

1. Crystal 5 hours, 39 minutes later

   you go off of what very little you know. and you know NOTHING about me, jr.
   i offer to give mom money, i offer to pay for things.. and she won’t take it. i take care of myself and tend to stay in my room. i work, and i sleep. but i always OFFER to pay for my stuff. ALWAYS. you’re not here, you have NO idea what i do. maybe if you ever stepped off your “most successful sibling” pedestal and took the time to talk to me rather than presuming all the hateful shit you said up there, maybe you’d understand why i’m still here. mom wants me here, and sometimes i feel like i’d be abandoning her if i left.. which is something i don’t want to do because she already cries everytime she thinks about our grandparents. and maybe, if you knew anything about me, you’d understand why i’m still weary about moving out again considering my previous roommate kinda shit all over any trust i had in a potential roommate.
   i snapped.. because i was tired of you assuming that i just sit around all day, and beg for shit while contributing nothing. because you’re wrong.
   again, you don’t live here.. you don’t know. you made me feel like shit because i didn’t bake a cake for mom. because i’m the only one in the family with the ability to throw a freakin egg and some water in a bowl with cake mix and toss it in the oven, right? and i’m a bum and a mooch and a deadbeat because i don’t do anything, right?
   i forgot, you know EVERYTHING.

   you can boycott whatever you want.. you’ll only be hurting yourself and..well..mom. it’s a dumb thing to do. but whatever. if you want to do all this because i made your girlfriend uncomfortable, go ahead. i don’t care. and i warned you i’d be ANNOYING, which is what i admit i always am… i didn’t say i’d be bitchy. you turned it into that.

   and your girlfriend was PROBABLY uncomfortable before she even got there. i agree i shouldn’t've come on as strong as i normally do.. but i’m me, and i don’t apologize for that. i wasn’t being bitchy, just my normal annoying foul-mouthed self, until you decided to make me feel like shit.
   maybe you AREN’T a dick.. to anybody else. just like i’m not always an annoying bitchy “deadbeat mooch” to everybody i come across. certain people bring out certain traits. and i don’t care what you think about me.. because i’m not going to apologize for who i am. i love me, and lots of other people do too.

   do what you will.. but you’re the one losing out.

2. JR 5 hours, 59 minutes later

   I am completely shocked by your response.

3. Crystal 6 hours, 11 minutes later

   you can be shocked all you want. all i have to say is i know i’m annoying, and that turns into bitchiness.. but you use ammo that you presume is true, when you know absolutely nothing. i’m not a mooch or a deadbeat, there are many reasons why things are going the way they’re going.. i don’t see how the way my life is would cause me to be insecure. i am generally happy with my life, i love being me, and plenty of people love me enough that you hating me only bothers me but so much. i may have a funny way of showing it, but i love you. you’re my only brother. i annoy you because it’s the only way we communicate. 95% of the time you laugh, and you can’t deny that. if you do, you’re a liar. even when i try to talk to you in a normal manner, you are an asshole back because you think you’re so much better than me that everything that comes out of my mouth is automatically inferior and stupid. i’m an intelligent person, capable of intelligent conversation.. and not everything i do and say is stupid.

   oh, and i think it’s ridiculous that you have ANYTHING to say on the subject of having insecurities and not changing them. also, you have no reason to mention constructive criticism. anything you’ve ever said to me is hateful, degrading, and if anything.. counterproductive. this argument is pointless.. i think i’m right and you think you’re right. whatever. you can avoid all family functions if you’d like.. but i really think it’d hurt mom more than it’d ever hurt me.
   i can try to be less of a bitch. but maybe if you treated me like an actual person, and stop assuming i’m just some bum who does nothing… it’d be a little easier.

4. JR 7 hours, 21 minutes later

   You’re allowed to believe whatever you wish. The majority of what you believe, though, is completely false.

   I couldn’t care less why you live at home. It has nothing to do with your grating personality or intentionally bitchy behavior towards me. I only brought it up as an example of my own asshole-ish behavior towards you, to get you to shut the fuck up and leave me alone. Predictably, you latched on to this one defensible issue and blathered on about it. Way to miss the point.

   I do not put myself on a pedestal. I do not believe myself to be superior to anyone. I fail to see how you (or anyone else for that matter) can come to that conclusion, especially considering your own point that you “think it’s ridiculous that you have ANYTHING to say on the subject of having insecurities”. If you can explain to me how a person can think so highly of himself while simultaneously having zero self-esteem, I would appreciate it, because it makes no fucking sense.

   What else? You say that I react the same way to you regardless of whether you speak to me bitchily or normally. This is just a theory, but that might have something to do with the fact that I have a memory that encompasses more than the last 10 seconds. You’ve been a verifiable bitch since you were 10 years old. I’ve had to deal with it for 11 years. Forgive me for remembering that and trying to avoid talking or dealing with you if at all possible.

   But I have to tell you, it’s not because I think you’re stupid. It’s not because I think I’m better than you. It’s because the very sound of your voice has become synonymous with irritation and annoyance in my mind. I can’t stand to be around you or hear you speak. By your own admission, this is your fault. You do it intentionally. You’ve done it intentionally for years.

   “i know i’m annoying, and that turns into bitchiness”
   “i warned you i’d be ANNOYING”

   Read up on Pavlov’s dogs, and try to understand that the brain develops reflexes to certain conditions that it is exposed to over long periods of time. You can’t expect to do and say whatever the fuck you want to people, and not suffer the consequences.

   As for “but i really think it’d hurt mom more than it’d ever hurt me”, I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m trying to help myself. I’m tired of your bullshit. Despite what you believe, this is not “how we communicate”. This is how you communicate, and I fucking hate it. I’ve told you many, many times that I can’t stand it, and you seem to take that as an indication that you should do it more often. I’m tired of it. I don’t want to be around it anymore. Since you’re attached to mom at the hip, she unfortunately has to get dragged into this. There’s not a lot I can do about that.

   I’m sure you do have lots of friends who think you’re great. I have lots of friends who believe the same about me, when it is, in fact, not true at all. That’s the great thing about friends. They have a tendency to gloss over the bad and accentuate the good, for the sake of the friendship. They also don’t have the unfortunate length of experience with you that your family does. They don’t have to spend time with you if they don’t choose to. If you piss them off, they stop talking to you. If you piss me off, I don’t talk to you, and you repeat yourself to me a billion times until I can’t stand it any longer, which seems to bring you pleasure. I’m pretty sure that if you behaved towards your friends the way you behaved towards me, they wouldn’t be friends with you for very long. Likewise, if I had friends who behaved like you do, and I reacted to them the way that I react to you, we wouldn’t be friends. This shouldn’t be a revelation, it’s common sense.

   For all your “You don’t know me” assertions - which is a cop-out, by the way - you have a shockingly distorted view of me. Objectivity is not your strong point. You initiate these little altercations with me the vast majority of the time. I’ve thought about it at great length the past couple of days, and I could only come up with one set of instances where I started shit with you. That would be the whole ipod touch incident. Otherwise, I don’t talk to you. I don’t respond to you until you push me to a certain limit. I barely acknowledge that you exist, and when I do, it’s usually to give you a birthday present or answer some question that you’ve been repeating for 10 minutes. Paint it as good-natured sibling rivalry all you like; you are wrong.

   Think about it this way: considering the family abandonment issues we’ve ALL had over the past couple of years, do you really think I would choose to do something this drastic if you hadn’t pushed me far beyond the limits of normal annoyance? I literally cannot stand to be around you any longer. You are welcome to believe whatever you wish, as long as you believe it outside of my presence. The collateral damage from this decision is blood on your hands. You’re a big girl now, way past the point where you should start to be aware of your own horrible behavior and at least TRY to mitigate it.

   To address your disbelief that I have “ANYTHING to say on the subject of having insecurities and not changing them”: “you go off of what very little you know. and you know NOTHING about me, [crystal].”

   I’ve actually changed quite a bit. You never see that, because you’re a horrible fucking bitch who does everything in her power to annoy the fuck out of me whenever possible. You bring out the 15 year old in me, and I do everything I can to avoid the 15 year old in you. That’s the difference. Intent. You do it on purpose. You derive joy from it. You never stop. You call me a dick because being a dick to you is the only way I can get you to stop. I can’t just tell you to stop. It fuels the fire. I have to bring you to the point of crying just to get you to shut up and leave me alone. It’s been this way for years, and I hate it.

   I’m limiting my expose as much as possible to a negative influence in my life. Feel free to argue with that all you like. I’d find it entertaining.

5. Crystal 8 hours, 49 minutes later

   i’m not going to let you make me feel like i’m not a valuable person. i’ve already let it bother me more than it should have. your opinion is your opinion. when i say you shouldn’t speak on insecurities, yet you think you’re better than me.. i’m saying people can think they’re pieces of shit, yet use other people as a temporary ego boost. i do it, you do it, lots of people do it. you can think very little of yourself and still think you’re at least one person. there’s always someone worse off. and you seem to think that i’m below you because i’m “attached to mom’s hip”, because i’m at home. she wants me there.. and i want to be there. i help her with a lot.. again with the “you don’t know me” theory… YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING. mock my point, i don’t care. because it’s true. i’ve been through a whole lot with mom. you don’t have to see her cry or get upset when she thinks about grandma and grandpa. you don’t have to see her get disappointed because she didn’t get the birthday/christmas cards she was hoping for. she buys presents for them and spends hours trying to muster the guts to drop it on their porch and run. you don’t see any of it.. so if i’m “attached at the hip”, GOOD. i’d rather be by her side now then leave her anytime soon. imagine how much it hurts for you, now. years later, and it still feels like it was yesterday for her. and THAT.. is why i’m still here. i stay on this point because this was the point that made me snap on you.
   you’ve NEVER had THIS much of a problem with me until i made your little girlfriend uncomfortable. yes, i know you hate me. but you’ve never wanted to boycott all family functions, subsequently hurting everyone. and you know what? if she can’t handle a foul mouth, then i’m glad you’re secluding yourself. i’ll be damned if i’m going to censor myself for you, her, or anyone if i don’t want to. i’m me. i just can’t believe you’re doing this to mom. do you really think she’s going to uninvite me from everything just to cater to you? you want to be that pigheaded? go for it. i just hope you can live with it. this is probably the dumbest thing you’ve ever done. your loss.

6. JR 9 hours, 14 minutes later

   Once again you’ve missed the point. For someone who harps on not being inferior, you do a very good job of proving that you’re an idiot. I can see this is pointless. Enjoy your delusions.

7. Crystal 9 hours, 25 minutes later

   i don’t have to summarize your points to let you know i got them. just because you don’t get mine doesn’t make me delusional or an idiot.. which is another point. but whatever.. i don’t care if you hate me, have at it. i’m used to it. i’m done.. nothing’s getting through to you. i’ve forgotten you’re the authority on all things and i’m an imbecile. so i’m going to go. just don’t punish mom for this shit. you won’t have to be the one to see the consequences.

8. JR 9 hours, 53 minutes later

   I was going to just let this die, but I’ve got to make one last comment. You’ve invoked mom’s name in EVERY comment you’ve made here, as if her problems somehow give you free reign to act like a bitch. This is the point you continue to miss.

   THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MOM.

   It has everything to do with you being a bitch. You were a bitch long before everything with our grandparents happened. I don’t see why you think using that situation as a scapegoat somehow vindicates you of anything.

   Let me be clear, so that you get what I’m saying. I’m calling you an idiot for continually going back to the reason for you living at home. That has nothing to do with this, and yet you continue to bring it up. This has nothing to do with mom. Stop bringing her into this. It’s pretty horrible of you to use her sadness as an excuse for your behavior.

9. JR 9 hours, 58 minutes later

   Also, while we’re on the topic of your scapegoating, please realize that this doesn’t really have anything to do with Jenn, either. She was slightly put off by your behavior, but it wasn’t a big deal to her. It WAS a big deal to me.

   I brought someone who is very important to me to meet my family, which included you. You couldn’t be civil FOR TWO FUCKING HOURS. You took it as a challenge, to outdo your previous bitch records. That pissed me off. It’s not her fault that you are the way you are, so, like mom, please stop trying to use her as an excuse. Be a fucking adult and try admitting you might have acted out of line, just this once.

   Or don’t, and continue to act the way you always act. My decision has been made at this point, so it’s really only for your benefit.

10. Crystal 10 hours, 45 minutes later

    there’s really no use in repeating myself anymore. i know why i do the things i do.. i know how i feel. i’m sorry i called you a dick in front of your girlfriend and i’m sorry i’m a giant idiot. huge bitch. annoying piece of teh sux0rz. etcetcetc. whatever makes you feel better about this. i’m not using anyone as a scapegoat.. only telling you that this little boycott you’ve got planned will hurt everyone but the one you’re mad at. you’re not saying anything i’m not already aware of. you’ve hated me forever. yadda yadda yadda. i know, jr.
    i only reply because of the few things you’re ill-informed on. i’m not a mooch or a deadbeat. THAT is my point. anything you’ve said other than that is information i’ve heard out of you a million times over. i can repeat myself til my fingers go numb. but i can’t make you see things my way.

11. JR 10 hours, 59 minutes later

    See things your way? What way is that? “This is me, other people like me, get used to it” or “I know I’m annoying on purpose, I can try to be less of a bitch”? Because you’ve said both of those things. Ignore all the irrelevant bits about mom, and that’s what’s left. Two conflicting viewpoints from you. If I’m missing something, please point it out. Otherwise, don’t bother posting another response, because there’d be no point.

12. Mom 18 hours, 20 minutes later

    I’m tired of crying. Please stop. I can’t lose anyone else.

13. JR 21 hours, 12 minutes later

    If you have a better solution, I’m all ears. I can’t deal with her anymore.

14. Mom 2 days, 1 hour later

    Let me just start by saying that I think both of you acted badly on Saturday. Your inevitable exchanges make me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed, and behaving like you both did in public on my birthday in front of your girlfriend was inexcusable. I understand that you are two very different people and seem to enjoy doing what you can to irritate each other, but it’s really got to change. For you Crystal - I do understand why you go off on your brother, he doesn’t seem to understand how much you love him. He doesn’t know that when we go out for dinner that it’s you who asks me to call him and see if he wants to come, he doesn’t know that you are concerned when he is down and that you ask about him when he is sick. He doesn’t seem to notice that you only get nasty when he goes for your jugular and it’s a defense mechanism for you to come back at him. Neither of you seem to understand how uncomfortable it makes everyone around you. Neither of you seem to understand it is all very unnecessary. You need to find a way to monitor your comments, especially in public. For you J.R. - You seem to have a keen sense of what to say that will cut your sister to the very core and you always have. You say that this is not about me but that is not true. It is very much about me. You called her a mooch and you are constantly commenting on the fact that she lives at home. She is very touchy about that particular subject. She is not mooching, she is here because of me. When you make comments to her about it, it hurts me. The things you say are not accurate. She is more upset about this whole interchange between the two of you because she knows that this hurts me more than it does either one of you. I spent a lot of Saturday upset, and most of the day on Sunday crying. This particular time of year is a very bad time for threats of losing another family member. She knows this, and she is upset - not for her but for me. For the past 3 years Crystal has been my sounding board for much rage, sadness and confusion. Buddy is a wonderful man but he tends to nod and hold me when I need it. When I am able to talk to Crystal she either cries with me and offers whatever words I need to hear or she tells me I’m out of line. She is honest and doesn’t just agree with me to make me feel better. I have to be very careful about what I say and when and I have to hide my swollen face from Molly because she feels responsible for the situation with my parents, and it tears me up to see her cry. She actually told me that she felt she ruined my life and she should have just put up with what my brother was dishing out so that I would still have parents. She shattered my heart with that. Crystal is the one I go to when I can’t take it any more. I could not have survived the whole situation if not for her. She is here with me because I need her to be. She would like to move out. She could move out. She won’t move out now because she knows I still need her here with me. Other people don’t know what to say to me when I lose it, and I lose it pretty often. She does. I don’t want her to move. She is torn, and her being here is my fault. I am not ready to encourage her to go out on her own. I know that is selfish, but I really do need her here with me. You getting on her for being here hurts me more than her J.R. She helps me emotionally and financially. She manages to get me out of my depressive moods in a way I will never understand. I am not particularly proud of the fact that I need my 21 year old daughter to survive, I am not proud of the fact that if not for her I would surely be on anti-depressants, I am not proud of the fact that I cannot bring myself to even discuss ‘pushing her from the nest’, and I am not proud of the fact that she catches so much crap from friends and you for staying here with me. I am proud that she instinctively knows what makes me go off the deep end and is able to stop me from. I am proud that she puts up with the ridicule because she knows I need her even though I’ve never actually said it. I’m proud that she is so much help to me with Molly. I’m proud of her heart. Success is measured by many things, and her success is one that is not achieved by many people in their lifetimes. I am equally proud of you and your achievements. I am proud of all of my children for different reasons, just as I have always been. It makes me sick to think that you would view coming to my home for whatever reason as an obligation, as something to be dreaded and shortened. I did that at my own parent’s home for years because of my brother. Neither one of you are murderers, rapists, drug addicts or child molesters, it shouldn’t feel like that. I go to many homes and there are mini squabbles here and there and this particular argument is pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Crystal has admitted she should not have said what she did especially in front of your girlfriend. You need to understand why she went off. You went for the jugular. Maybe you didn’t understand the impact of what you said to her, but maybe now you do. If you are a little more considerate of what you say, especially on this subject, I think you will notice a difference. You both have very strong self defense systems, she is willing to stop if you do. I love you both and cannot bear the thought of such hard feelings between you, especially when it is my fault. I hope that Jenn is okay. She seems to be a nice girl. We are nice people, I think. Molly’s birthday is on Sunday and I thought I’d have a little cookout maybe on Saturday. I’d like you to come.

15. JR 2 days, 3 hours later

    You both seem to misunderstand exactly what it is that upsets me about this whole situation, so let me try to be more clear.

    When I say she was being a bitch, I am not just referring to her “going off” on me after I called her a mooch. Her bitchiness started as soon as we sat down. I define “being a bitch” as her intentional attempts to irritate and provoke me, such as asking me a billion personal questions, over and over, until I can’t ignore it anymore. Calling her a mooch was a way to shut her up. Despite what you both might think, everything was not fine up until that point. She knows asking me a billion questions, and repeating them when I ignore her, pisses me off. It is not cute. I do not enjoy it, contrary to popular belief. All of this drama about you depending on her is irrelevant, because what is at issue is her

    INTENTIONAL

    bitchiness towards me, before and after the mooch comment. She told me she was going to do it two days before, and she did it. I used the only tool that I have against her to shut her up. And it worked, once she got her temper tantrum out of her system.

    This is not about her living at home. It is not about you crying because of our family problems. It’s not about money, cakes or jobs.

    This IS about her intentionally trying to irritate and embarrass me. I’ve said this several times before. None of the things you’ve both said here excuse how she’s acted for the past however many years, long before the drama started, long before either of us was old enough to move out. I think it’s really terrible that she, and now you, have decided to use our family tragedies as a scapegoat for her behavior. I hope that’s just because you’ve misunderstood my issue with her.

    As it stands, since nothing is resolved, I plan to bring Molly a present and leave. Hopefully the two of you can read this comment and realize how you’ve misconstrued the situation and actually address the relevant issues.

16. Crystal 2 days, 3 hours later

    this argument is never going to end. you have your point, and i really don’t think you care to consider anybody else’s. whatever, jr. your loss.

17. JR 2 days, 3 hours later

    I agree. As long as you keep rambling on about things that have nothing to do with this, it’s not going to end. If this argument had anything to do with things you do for mom because you live at home, I would listen and respond. But since it doesn’t, I’m not.

18. Teri 5 days, 3 hours later

    JR - Please come and stay at Molly’s birthday party today. We love spending time with all of you and I am really glad I got to meet Jenn. She seems to be a really nice girl and you seem to be really happy with her.