I spend a lot of time thinking about escaping.

That’s not to say that there’s really anything to escape from; I realize that I’m relatively well off. The things that make existence unbearable for me are entirely internal. I understand that. I understand that I could fix the majority of those things if I was properly motivated.

That has no bearing on my thoughts of escape.

Think about it. Imagine waking up tomorrow, selling all of your worldly possessions, changing your name, maybe your hair color or something, and just leaving. People do it, probably frequently.

If you were so inclined, such a change could allow you to shed all that baggage we all carry with us. Mistakes made in failed relationships, dysfunctional friendships, embarrassing drunken acts, burdens of responsibilities and expectations.. All gone. You’d be free to reinvent yourself, because there would be no preconceived notion of who you’re supposed to be. You wouldn’t have to explain changes in attitude or routine. You’d no longer be “the computer guy” or “the failed artist”. You’d be a blank slate.

Imagine how freeing that would be. Shit, I feel like a new person when I sleep somewhere other than my bed. I can’t even imagine what waking up in an apartment in another state, or another country would do for my personality.

I feel very weighed down lately. The biggest thing in my life is my job, but the workload is suffocating. I can see myself becoming increasingly short tempered and caustic. Even as I write this, I’m having a very irritable conversation with CJ. I used to be able to brush those things off. I just don’t have the patience for it anymore, because everything in my life makes me angry.

I saw a movie once. The name escapes me now, but in it, there were characters who constantly made sarcastic and disparaging comments about everything. At one point, there was a scene where one of the other characters lost her temper and asked if they were so filled with disappointment and hatred that they were going to spend their entire lives tearing everyone and everything around them down. I think I’ve become that person.

I’m trying… but progress is slow. Whenever I interact with people, my chest and brain begin to tighten until I’m snapping at every stupid little thing they say or do, most of the time internally. Every mispronunciation, every incorrect statement, every idiotic opinion, every trip up or slip of the tongue or bad decision. Every time they assume anything about me. Every time I have to repeat myself. There’s nothing in me to ease the tension. I don’t blame them… everyone forgets, no one has perfect grammar (especially me). The problem is me. I’m so angry with myself that I can’t distinguish the hate and irritation for myself from the rest of the world. I could have been much better than I am, and only I am to blame for that not happening.

I know that I haven’t been pleasant to be around lately… Please don’t take it personally. Perhaps, one day soon, I’ll disappear, and you won’t have to worry about it anymore…