You could take my hand, and I could take the lead.

Christmas is coming. In these few days leading up to that disgraced holiday, I am beset by memories that once warmed my heart, but now fill me with sorrow and anger:

Grandma getting flustered by all the activity. Grandma crying because everyone chipped in and gave her and papaw a… cruise? Some kind of vacation. Sitting in grandma and papaw’s den, opening presents amidst lots of laughing and conversation. Normally being in that type of… din usually makes me panicky and uncomfortable, but I’d give anything to have it back. The year that I begged and begged for a walkman, which Teri provided for me Christmas Eve. I went home and listened to it all night. Buster giving my parents a VCR, back when they cost over $400. Joey tricking my mom with the old hole-in-the-soda-can-covered-by-my-finger-which-pours-soda-on-you-when-I-ask-you-to-hold-the-can trick. Joey grossing everyone out by moving his fake tooth up and down. Home-made Matchbox race car sets. Stuffing myself with food. Grandma getting mad at me for liking Frank Sinatra because “he’s a criminal”. Being tricked into thinking that Santa is coming to get me to want to leave. Candy. Fighting over seating on grandma’s couch. Papaw’s stuffing, even though I never really liked it.

And finally, the one memory that always gets me, the one that has nothing to do with my actual family, but deals with a broader sense of family and holidays…

One year, driving from our house to grandma and papaw’s, we were next to this older station wagon absolutely filled to the brim with children and gifts. The parents were in front, the kids were in back, and presents and packages went from floor to ceiling in the back of the car. They were all bundled up in hats and coats, and I could only assume they had the same plan for the day that we did. That scene perfectly captures the spirit of the day for me, and I think about it every year. I think about how that will likely never happen for me again. I’ll never be the bundled up, expectant, happy little kid in the back, and I’ll never be the tired, irritated but extremely fulfilled parent in the front.

And that makes me very sad.

I didn’t even bother to put up my Christmas tree this year.

I’ll be very glad when this time of year has passed.

I’m not emotionless. In fact, I broke my wrist when I wrote the list of all those I miss. This… is my poker face, Mr. Feel-nothing.