Things that I think about on a daily basis:

stabbing myself in the stomach repeatedly. our lord and savior, the dear sweet baby jesus christ (since my alarm is set to an evangelical radio station). the lack of decoration in my home. i should buy new socks. i should finish reading [whatever book]. i’m fat. i need to clean my shower curtain. i need to switch shampoos. i should fix the peeling wallpaper. i should drink this mouthwash. why does my sink drain smell weird? i should quit my job. my car is going to explode. i hope it doesn’t break down today. why can’t i stop speeding? i wonder if the state trooper will be at the downtown tunnel entrance.

politics. the state of the world. the next world war that is certain to occur in my lifetime. i don’t want to raise children in this world. human beings will never be able to fix things. differences in society between now and, say, 200 years ago. or even 20 years ago. the perpetual animal instinct. would any of us know how to survive if our taco bells and air conditioning were gone tomorrow? would the overall quality of life be different if peoples’ minds were more often occupied by just trying to stay alive?

i should learn a new language. i should draw more often. i should do something, anything creative. was [some thing i did with some person] wrong? replay every conversation from that past couple of days that i cared enough about to retain. list movies that i wish i’d seen. is mom’s dog going to die soon? why hasn’t [some person] txted me today? list people who hate me, and why. dwell on that list.

i should make fake online profiles for more attractive (physically and mentally) people and do a study on the difference in interest and tone of conversation. stabbing myself in the stomach repeatedly. why do i always envision the stomach as the target of the stabbing? life is not possible without the stomach. i’m not thinking of ending my life, i’m thinking of ending all life. if i had the choice, tomorrow, to erase all life from the planet, would i do it? it’s scary how quickly i come back with “yes”.

i don’t like the new clothing trend that ties together hoodies and horrible, abrasive patterns. i don’t like threadless’s newer designs. i wish i had chosen a different career path after high school. i’m a mediocre web developer. i’m 25 and i’ve stagnated. i need to learn ruby and python. i need to use ajax more often. i need to refactor my website. i need to prioritize. why does [some friend] constantly make terrible decisions? is it my place to ask? i wonder if [some band] has released anything new recently. i should see a movie with dad this weekend. i wonder what [some internet friend halfway around the world] is doing.

the guy that writes dilbert is the closest thing to a role model i’ve ever had. his book god’s debris was interesting but a little lofty. i should work on [some website]. i should buy new furniture. my carpet needs to be cleaned. i need to buy a new car. i need to figure out where the title is. i wonder how [some friend] is adjusting to [some big change in his or her life]. i wish i could move to [some state].

i don’t want to work late. i wonder if not working late now will erase the conception that i’m a hard worker? i have no interest whatever in any of my current projects. i wish the new web server was ready. my head hurts. should i eat tonight? i’m not hungry. i’m never hungry anymore. will i ever get robbed in this parking lot? if someone tried to rob me, would i resist? i’m afraid that i might, just to tempt them to hurt me. i don’t care if someone takes my car. i don’t care if someone takes my wallet. there’s never any money in it, and all of the cards can easily be canceled within hours. i don’t want to eat.

the house smells like cat shit. law and order is on. avoid the computer. i should be reading. i just want to sleep forever. my chest hurts. i don’t want to dream. i should play [whatever game] for a while. i should watch a movie. i should go take life drawing classes. i should go skydiving. i should join a gym. i wonder what [some friend] is doing? i should donate more money to charity. i need a new [piece of furniture]. my home does not feel like a home. stabbing myself in the stomach repeatedly.

i am mediocre in every imaginable way. my depression is not the result of a chemical imbalance. i have a lot of work to do on myself, and the only person that cares if it gets done is me. that’s kind of ironic. will i ever be 65 with kids and grandkids? will i ever be in another serious relationship? will i ever be able to trust again? i really hate [some person]. why do i need a cell phone plan with so many minutes? why do i have digital cable? i should build a DVR. i need to catch up on my word of the day emails.

it’s late. i should sleep. i really don’t want to. why do i always face east side of the bed? i need new sheets. i hate that couch being there. i need to put up proper curtains.

i dream // DEATHMURDERLOSSENVYFAILUREJUDGEMENTCONFLICTDISAPPOINTMENT