Things are out of control. It seems like, for me, that’s the norm, rather than the exception.

I need to stop aquiescing to everyone else’s demands. I need to stop putting everyone else before myself. My life is not my own; I seem to exist to satisfy the whimsy of others.

Every day I do things that I don’t want to do. I spend too much money. I ignore necessity and obligation.

These things need to change.

Right now my life is a precarious balance. Any number of factors could shift slightly and throw me into despair and ruin. It is by sheer luck that I am where I am, and I worry every day that that luck will run out.

But instead of doing the things I need to do to make my position more secure, more stable, I’m unable to say no to people who don’t seem to give a shit about what I need or want, and then I spend my spare cycles for days afterward kicking myself for not just saying no.

But that’s what happens when you have no sense of self-worth. You bend over backwards to please the few people who associate with you because you’re terrified that if you don’t make yourself indespensible, or so much of an advantage that people would be stupid not to have you around (by always picking up the tab, or always being “the ride”, or having connections at various social spots), so that even when they realize how inept and detrimental you truly are, they will still keep you around. You think so little of yourself that you attempt to “buy” friendship.

I don’t want to be that person anymore…