what’s been going on?

let’s start with what’s going on with bobbi. earlier this week i left up a stupid away message, which had nothing to do with anything, and she took it personally. and now, despite everything i say, and the complete lack of advances on my part, she says i still want a relationship with her and she needs to distance herself from me. she didn’t say it quite that… tactfully, but i’m summarizing. so now we are not friends…

i more or less ditched cj and floris to hang out with her and joanna over the christmas break. i say more or less becuz they never invited me to go anywhere or really even talked to me for that matter. now i’ve lost them all. an earlier post by floris predicted this.

the level of sadness i have sunk to this time is a record breaker for me. i feel nothing but loss and pain. i can think of nothing but my own inferiority and lack of everything. i can focus only on those things i cannot do or make or say or feel. i focus on things that i am not that she wanted. i focus on myself… and hate it. and i have no one to blame but me. i spend my days now wishing for death. i talk to myself in the car weighing pros and cons of various common forms of suicide. i wish i hadn’t woken up that split second before i would’ve plowed into that car on sunday. i regret not finishing myself off that one time. i wish my life had a reset button. i no longer want to be online ever. i hate myself for being myself and i hate myself for not having the willpower to change myself even tho that wouldn’t do any good.