you and cj have the wrong idea about joanna. we are just friends. this has been on my mind quite a bit recently. cj getting upset that i spend more time with joanna than him is somewhat hypocritical, since our friendship and the depth to it is directly his responsibility. there’s nothing sexual or romantic going on at all. as a matter of fact, were it to ever come up, i wouldn’t let it happen. i’ve told joanna this. i don’t want her to end up hating me in a couple years. like you said floris, sex ruins friendships. i’ve seen it happen. we’re just good friends. we just hang out. and she really likes bobbi, the two have become good friends. is it so wrong for me to want to hang out with friends who get along? i don’t think your summation of my “friendship cycles” is fair. i mean think about it, all the times cj and i have hung out recently have been arranged how? talking online, or he calls me. now he’s never online, and he doesn’t call. he’s got several new friends, and his best friend is back, so there’s no need for me is there? funny how much this little account reminds me of his dealings with jady, et al whenever you were coming home. his exact words were “i don’t need them anymore, floris is home”.

now, i might be inclined to say that you are right if you limit your girl references to just bobbi. but i see joanna as a sister almost. i could see if i was trying to get into her pants, there would be cause for concern. but of all the times she’s been here late, and/or there’s been drinking, i’ve never tried anything. and i have no intention of doing so. even if i did, she would turn me down, cause i’m not attractive to her.

quick pause while i reread some things…

you’re right about my umm… focused attention when it comes to friends. my entire life, i’ve always just had one “good” friend, who i spent all my time with. it’s just natural to me.. things get complicated when that number grows. i guess joanna is that friend… even tho she is leaving. but who else would it be? all of my friends are abroad, except for cj, who is just as guilty of this ignoring shit as i. since he started working at ticketmaster, and has all these new friends, we never talk. he’s always out. the few times he used to get online, he’d just be like yeah i’m going here with this person ok see ya. i can’t help it if he’s upset that i’m not calling him everyday begging for a bit of his attention.. but when have i ever? i have a week with bobbi. she is leaving on new years day. joanna is leaving next sunday. i don’t know when you’re leaving floris. but you all come in packs. where ever floris is, cj will be, and vice versa. and while joanna and bobbi aren’t really a package deal, whenever i go somewhere with one, it’s suggested we invite the other. i don’t want to have to choose. have you or cj invited me to do anything? no, you just show up at the house. well you made vague references to new years eve but i had already made plans. if one of you were to call and say hey we’re going to blah blah, wanna come? i would go. remember the last time you were here, laughing about the triple date you didn’t invite me to? and now you’re bitching that i don’t make an effort to see you? a bit backwards if you ask me.

look, the bottom line is this: this choice was not created by me. i’m sorry that cj and joanna’s failed relationship made us friends, i wish it could have been different and we all could hang out but that will most likely never be an option again. don’t forget, floris.. you made similar choices with ginger. tho my goal with joanna is very different, the reasoning is the same. had cj and ginger been able to get along, i doubt there would have been as much trouble and debate over who you wanted to be around. did i complain that cj wanted to hang out with francis or sam instead of me? no. did i decide he was a bastard for a friend and piss and moan and act like a baby? no. i just took it for what it was. i joined in the floris is a bitch for choosing a girl over us joking, but only becuz it afforded me many new jokes. it didn’t really bother me. if this whole thing has damaged our friendship, i’m sorry, but it had to have been on the rocks in the first place for such a petty little squabble to have had this much effect. i’m not sure what else to say. my little rollercoaster thing above has nothing to do with joanna. i’ve been very confused and upset by some things lately. i do consider us all still friends… but it’s not me whose effort has decreased. i have the exact same amount of desire to hang out with you as i ever did. you just don’t ask me anymore, out of some misguided belief that i betrayed cj. put yourself in my shoes. you have one set of friends, who you haven’t done anything with aside from see movies for like 6 months or something, and even that has been rapidly declining since his new social life has grown. you have another set of friends who are only around for a short time but who not only like having you around as more than a nostalgia item, they actually do things that are nice for you, and say things that make you feel better, not worse. i never disliked our group joking before, but since i haven’t been exposed to it as much, it isn’t as fun. the jokes don’t really bounce off me as much as they used to. i just get annoyed. so you can imagine i don’t really look forward to a night full of that.

if you were me, what would you do? let’s say that i had dated joanna, and i had done all the shit cj did. so now we’ve broken up, and she hates me. but you two became good friends in all that, becuz you talked to her about the problems she was having alot and you agreed with her that majority of the time. and cj, whether intentionally or not, has been drifitng away from you in favor of new female friends, and new places to go you don’t really enjoy. who would you choose?

time is a big factor here. i am trying to squeeze as much time out of bobbi’s stay as i can, just as i did the last two times she was home. and i just really like hanging out with joanna. we get along very well. and she is appreciative of me, instead of suspicious, or treating me as tho seeing me is showing pity on me. she makes me feel good, instead of defensive. when she gets a boyfriend, it’ll cut the amount of time i see her, i’m sure, but hopefully that won’t be enough to send me into a jealous rage. as far as bobbi goes, she doesn’t see me as any type of love interest anyway, so what would change? she doesn’t stay in va beach long enough to have a boyfriend here, so if she did have one, it would be in london, or the carribean, or something like that. when she’s here, that wouldn’t affect how often i could see her. your asking me to turn my back on them for something that might happen in the future that doesn’t really change anything for me? it’s true, i still have some small hope that bobbi might see me as more. but that is fading… that is what the whole rollercoaster thing was about. i just want to get to the point where she doesn’t react so defensively to everything i say and do.

so anyway, i know me saying all this won’t change anything. cj will still badmouth me, talking about how crappy a friend i am. you will follow. that’s how it always has been. i am not exactly capable of the blind admiration that cj requires in his friends. that would be why it was always, “me and floris are best friends. sorry jr. hahahaha”

i’m not really sure how i could include floris in this more. he doesn’t really have that much to do with it. but i’ll try harder to be more vague and cryptic in the future…

i started a lot of paragraphs with now..

i didnt mean to be so aggressive in the statements imade i just needed to get some things out. i cant say this for sure but something tells me that as u mentioned if joanna gets a boyfriend i think u would be jealous.. let alone if it was bobbi. and i think if either made any moves on u, i dont think u would resist.. not to say its a bad thing, just i dont know about a worthy friendship really surviving through that.

on another note about the triple date and u not coming i dont think u can use this as an arguement considering u were out with both bobbi and joanna that night, which we were aware of, this being the reason we didnt ask u. like many of our activities we didnt plan it ahead of time, we were not aware of our outing in advance so its not like we could have given u prior knowledge.

ok ive run dry for the time being, it doesnt seem u have any real interest in reigniting friendship, i dont know about cj, but i will still be here if u need anything. but i dont think now is the time to be discussing these things, have a great time with bobbi and joanna while they are still here.

me and cj are heading to california in the morning.

roller coasters!

high school friends grow, change and move on. it is
rare that friendship lasts into adulthood, and you
all are fortunate to still keep contact with each
other. even bickering is contact - you all should
be pleased that you at least have that. you will all
get through this, there is no doubt that the 3 of
you will continue your relationship for a good long
while. you are all growing and maturing and that
process often results in stepping on someone elses’s
toes, but considering how long you’ve known each
other and how close you have been, you can survive it.
This too shall pass. And J.R. - sounds like you’ve
reached the point where you realize what’s important.
Relationships with other people (especially women)are
truley just like a rollercoaster. Once you start the
ride you can’t stop it - and believe me you will get
back on - whether you get the same seat or not is
nothing but fate. Just hold on to your hat and keep
riding - you will eventually end up where you want
to be, probably just when you think the ride is over.