rejection, denial, envy, lust, hate, greed, sadness, sadness, sadness… what does it matter?

i see your on one of your self degradation tangents again.. sorry it took me so long to reply to this one.. i had read most of it a day ago, but didnt get the chance to finish it. (im sure youll have some deep underlying meaning for that.. or just a simple one) fact is, even though i dont think u regard me as one i am also still your friend.

personally jr i think u have a lot more than u think u have, u get this a lot, but maybe u should open your eyes and look around before u start critiqueing your life, it almost seems your unfamilier with the very thing u should know best. your making your life out to be far worse than it really is, like your trying to make it fit into some kind of tragic stereotype. but jr, your life is better than that, the only real bad things that have happened to u are in your mind, u have recieved no serious losses, u havent been through any major wars, u have no pitiful life, u are not forgotten, unloved, or un noticed. bobbi does care for u, and u need to see that for what it is. dont always expect a spectacular life, movies are a compression, they leave out all the dull moments, all the moments in life u so seem to dispise, they are a fabricated life. same goes for books, or stories in general, u cant rely on them to compare your life to, and i know u do. and no u cant compare your life to anyone elses either, because like movies or books, u simply see the stories of their lives, u have not lived their life, had u, u would realize how simular they probably are to yours.

your depression has no grip in the physical world, however u are creating your own fabricated world to go along with this. u see things for the worst they can be seen for, u dont even bother to see anothers good intentions, or the possible positive reprecussions of a certain event. u have already ruled those out because in your mind your life is shit, if its not immediately visible u will find some way to extract some form of depressive material out of it.

u are on a quest for depression jr, u are conciously taking a path towards sorrow. however the path u are physically on is one that most would consider quite a pleasant one. but u are walking with your eyes closed and imagining the worst environment around u. where one would see partly couldy skies, with a cool breeze, u see an imminent thunderstorm. where one sees a pleasant narrow unpathed path between a vast majestic field and a dark rich forest, u see a trecherous path full of potential snags and dangers, places u can trip, with a large field leaving u with no protection from possible predators on one side and a dark forest filled with countless unknown dangers on the other.

jr look around and watch with unbiased eyes, u have more than u think. u have a friend named bobbi, a person u could never even imagine seeing outside of school three years ago. were your past self to see u now he would probably kick u for being so depressed at this moment. the fact that bobbi calls u at all if only even once would have been enough to make your day/week/month… but u now look at it differently rather than appreciating the fact that she has called, or appreciating that both me and cj are there for u whenever u need anything, u look and see all the times bobbi hasnt called u, all those seconds of your life that u were alone, that nobody thought of u, nonbody was worried about u. well im sure your not thinking of me right now, im sure nonbody is. this is a fact of life u have to accept jr. u cannot be that close to a person.. nonone can, a relationship that close would be very short lived, a couple would soon grow tired of eachother and desire to think/indulge in other things.

i suggest u look at what u have right now, u have quite a lot, so take a good look, and try to see it all for what it really is, dont make a comparison, or look for flaws in yourself, just be self aware, accept that most of life is boring and lonely, youve made it apparent your aware of it, but your not accepting it, your simply complaining about it. but in order to be happy one cannot be seeking proof to explain his unhappiness. the large part of everyones life on this planet is very lonely and very boring. there is no way around that, and thus u have those people that mourn over it constantly and those that accept this fact and go on to make the best of it, u ofcourse also have a large group ignorant people who are completely unaware, but well have to group them with the ones that are trying to make something of their lives, cause they are both trying to reach similar goals. pessimism is an endless pit, while joy can just be a simple hop. scenario: your friend introduce u to somone u have longed for for years, u become friends with this person, after doubting your friends intentions and assuming it was some trick. u see eachother and talk on a regular basis, however the only thing u can think of is all the times she doesnt see u or talk to u, u cant simply be happy with what u already have… your being like the kid who only asks for one thing for christmas.. the only one thing in the world he desires, and his parents thinking it will make him the happiest kid in the world give him into their childs one desire, however the childs rejoice is short lived, he quickly realizes that if he got this so easily why cant he also get something better?.. he joy quicly becomes melancholy as he no longer recieved what he truly wants, for what he truly wants has become something more.one questions if he should have even recieved the first gift in the first place, the clild was happiest at the moment of recieving the the object, however once in his possesion it became just another object, like all the others he had amassed. but then had he not recieved it, he would not have experience that moment of joy at all, however short it was, it was a little joy in a persons life who cant seem to appreciate the real gift. the people that gave him that gift. one day when that child is older he will see this, but by this time the child will be far from this true gift, possibly already have lost it. and once again will not be happy.
alas the destiny of mankind is a sad one, we are never happy with what we have, and only seem to realize what we really have after we no longer have it.

it is our sense of history and future that makes us so melancholy, we know what we had, and wish we could have it again, and because of our sense of past, we can know what our possibilities are, we know what we can have, and therefore are trapped in a cage of perpetual desire for happiness never being able to reach it. however this whole problem lies in mans greatest gift, the concious, like everything else i am not appreciating it, maybe after i lose it i will, but quite probably i wont, since it is the root of our ideas of past and future. it is the root of our sorrows, but it unlikely as it may seem is also our greatest weapon against these sorrows, with your concious u can also realize what u have/had/will have and be happy u had it, enjoy that u have it, and look forward to having it. all one has to do is be confident in themselves, enjoy the life they are living and stop trying to find the bad points in everything. its far simpler than one can imagine, and requires less work than depression. u dont even have to change your path, your already walking in the right direction, just open your eyes and realize it.

why did she bring something back for me?

its a joke of some sort isnt it?