i woke up this morning feeling odd. i’ve had a lot on my mind lately, evaluating life and the choices i have made as of late and wondering what lies ahead. there’s no direction, no driving force, no goals. no greater need or desire guiding my decisions and actions. i just more or less avoid conflict and try to get away with doing as little as possible. i don’t stick up for myself, i don’t take advantage of any of the few talents i may have. there is nothing here but an empty shell that changes it’s mind at the drop of a hat and means something to very few people. it seems like that number grows smaller with each passing day. the impending war has caused me to think about the military. i mean, i am not doing anything with my life right now. why not go off to the middle east and fight for what could very well prove to be a noble cause? i don’t know. i just know that life as i know it right now is not fulfilling in the least, i am very alone, and people are taking advantage of me. i’m not doing a very good job at managing my finances or being domesticated. i never clean, or cook, and my apartment is very sparsely decorated. interpersonal relationships are topical at best, falling apart when any real communication is needed, mainly becuz of my inability to express myself vocally. i often come across completely oppositely from what i am actually feeling. i say and do things as if not thinking at all, with no time to consider them. i am fat, tho not grossly; i am hairy, almost to the point of absurdity. my entire body is covered in hair aside from the small amount of skin on the sides and bottom of my feet. i am pale. my hair is weird. the pores on my nose are large and clogged, and my face is covered in scars from past acne breakouts that i constantly picked at. my teeth are slightly offcolor, due to my parents failure to make me brush my teeth as a child. they also are beginning to turn crooked, because my wisdom teeth are exerting pressure on the rest of my mouth. my posture is screwed, i resemble quasimoto. now you may be saying to yourself, all of these things are easily fixed. dental work, a few trips to the tanning salon, and laser or chemical hair removal could do wonders! why not give it a shot? the answer to that lies in the deep seeded psychological… malfunction… that has been caused by these things. and this is what keeps me from even wanting to put effort into making myself more attractive. because none of those things will affect my mind, personality, soul. i feel as if i am dead, and just hovering here in limbo waiting for joanna to come online, bobbi to call, cj to come over, floris to message, or something slightly interested posted on some website somewhere. this has become my life. this is all i have. there is no love past friendship or the family-obligatory type. there is no desire to see me, no waiting and wanting. i am so inferior to so many, and the people in my life make it painfully clear just how much others mean to them when they are NOT in their life, or when they are doing wrong by them, and how much i mean to them when i am helping them, or in an upbeat mood, but when either of those ends, i am tossed aside. it sickens me to imagine their thinking, “it’s only jr. it’s no big deal”. and there are even times when i wonder, what is it about me that makes me count less than everyone else? but i quickly come to my senses, since the reason i am counted less is right in front of my face. ugly, mentally fucked people are not desirable. why would you waste your time on a lost cause like me, when you could meet some guy at a bar who is attractive, and who says the right things, and run off and kiss or something more with him? i mean, it’s survival of the fittest. for all women’s talk about how they look past the physical state, and care more about how you treat them, it’s amazing how much they bargain that if the guy is nice to look at or is charming. i feel as tho i have wandered from my orginal subject. i’ll close this line of thought by saying, that i am so full of hopelessness and despair at the thought of finding someone to share life with, i feel this large gaping hole in my chest that fills with pain whenever i read over emails that are misleading, or think back to “dates” that seemed to be working so well (by working, i mean we were clicking, having a good time) only to be crushed by the words “never, ever” or a complete avoidance of the subject. i feel this when i am on the phone, and comments are made that may be just conversation, just programmed responses women have integrated into their psyche, but which mean so much to me becuz they (falsely) convey a hint or two that things may progress, that that person is reconsidering. i sometimes think that i might run off to college, change my life completely, but i know the circumstances there would not improve. if anything, the added pressure of schoolwork and tuition would only drive me insane and i would one day climb the clock tower with a rifle and exert my aggression onto an unsuspecting flock of superior assholes. maybe this is my future regardless of what i do. i don’t seem to be equipped to deal with my emotions, unless you call dwelling on insignificant remarks and actions for days, weeks, months a healthy reaction to emotional stimuli. given my newly (relatively new, anyway) love, nay, need for writing out my thoughts and feelings perhaps i could take up creative writing and become a novelist of some kind. perhaps then someone would think i am brilliant, and find my car wrecked on some snaowy mountain road and show me the kind of unconditional love i have been searching and hoping for for so so long…

before smashing my head in with a sledgehammer when she realizes i am not at all the brilliant man she percieved me to be. disillisionment is a bitch.