im feeling kind of left out here.. jr, all is not lost.. there are still entire worlds out there that u have no idea about.. in know all this sounds sappy and shit but really go out, i mean its logical that u would get depressed when living by yourself, and having the monotony [i think] of a desk job.. i had a very simular depression when i first moved out on my own.

i dont really see u as a traveling kind of guy… so i dont know if it will help that much.. but with me traveling has always been very uplifting [i think i used the exact same wording somewhere earlier] i mean it helps u get away from everything.. all the problems u may have.. all the stress, and gives u the freedom to do what u want.. u dont have expectations or people who know u to hold u back, the only thing u really have is that expectation that people have of u as a tourist.. but that depends on where u go.. but not only that it also allows u to view your life as it is right now from a whole different perspective, and i think that u will see how much u should appreciate what u have going for u right now..

and as for cj, hes been really stressed lately jr.. and u shouldnt accuse him of something that your doing yourself.. although now i know the accusements have changed.. but earlier u were blaming him for being a bastard because he didnt appreciate what he had in joanna.. which is probably true, but i think u were severly underestemating what cj was trying to do for u as a friend.. hes been genuinly worried about u and your current suicidal attempts, as have i.. the problem is we seemingly cant do anything to help u, no matter what we do it goes pretty much unnoticed.. or whether we do something we know it wouldnt make a difference, because right now bobbi seems to be the only thing that can sway u. thats something thats really hard for both me and cj to deal with. u have to realize that that hurts.. although of the two of us i think cj is the larger influence, simply because hes probably a more interesting person, but i too am feeling what he is right now, and thats un-importance in your eyes.. in the eyes of someone who is important to us.. to cj this is a bigger deal then to me so thats why hes more upset. im sure u know what it feels like, youve described situations numerous times to me..

now i can already guess your reply to this will simply be that your sorry and it wont happen again cause youll be out of our lives soon enough.. or something to that nature.. but im asking u not to do that.. jr this is important.. and u are important ok.. just think about, about your life.. u are not that bad off.. yes youve had/are having some hardships.. but u cant use those as an excuse.. the fact that youve made it where u are today despite those hardships has to say something for your capabilities and your possible future… everybody has hardships.. whether bigger or smaller than yours it really doesnt matter to them it may be the biggest one they ever had.. what matters is how u deal with and overcome them.. and giving up doesnt exactly seem like a good option.. if u feel like your life has no meaning, give it some.. go do something uve always wanted.. take a few risks.. yout so bent on dying, and/or self mutilation, u might as well at least be doing something youve always wanted to do [other than suicide].. go kiss bobbi or something.. do something random.. go to figi.. i dont know.. theres enough to do in this world jr.. and even though life has no real meaning when u think about it… u can at least enjoy it while it lasts.. because death wont bring about any real joy.. only nothingness.. strange.. all this really seems to justify the existance of religion, to give people meaning in there lives, a purpose for being..
anyways back to the taking risks.. its the person whos not afraid to die who can have the most fun.. who can do anything in the world.. and get away with it.. consider that.. if your truly not afraid of dieing [which i btw think u actually still are regardless of what u say..] then consider doing what u really want to do.. dont worry about conforming to anything or anyones desires.. [yes i realize the contradiction related to what im asking here, but consider this a request.. or consideration.]

just take your life into your own hands.. [just preferably dont take any other lives down, cause i dont know if the end result will be all to pleasant..]

please stop about the suicide stuff.. and the whole dont feel pity for me because im not worthy of it crap.. its not helping the situation any.. for anyone..
try eiter accepting where u are right now in life, or if your not happy where u are.. change it.

it’s such a large part of who i am. your all just finally realizing it. do you think this stuff has only just started coming up? i’ve been suicidal for as long as i can remember. i’ve just never had anyone to tell any of it to before… and now i again don’t have anyone to tell it to. i really am not looking forward to returning to the state of mind i was in in middle school. i’d sooner die…

i dont know if u know but yesterday i tried to call u.. i was in the car and the funniest thing happened.. well the radio announcer started talking about having been in love with this girl at mc donalds, but could never get up the nerve to ask her out.. he could only ask for a big mac with fries.. i was already sort laughing then.. he then continued to say that everyday he would go back everyday intent on asking her out.. but everyday he would get too nervous.. there were always too many people around.. but then one day… months later finally he was the only one there.. but instead of confessing hes true feelings for her all that came out of his mouth was “would u like to go to the club with me tonight?”.. to which she replied.. sorry im more into skinny guys… and then.. when i just started cracking up they started playing the im in love a mcdonalds girl song.. hehe.. i called u like immediately… but apparently u werent home.. your mom said u were probably at joannas.. so that was my funny moment from yesterday.

what kind of work are u doing exactly… i fear that i too will have to get a job soon.. my dads pushing me.. i think im just gonna get some part time thing at this computer shop.. it shouldnt be too bad..

Yeah you told ME

ok but what exactly are u doing.. i still have no idea

umm at a friend of the families house.. either way if i was home i dont have internet hooked up there yet so that wouldnt help much either.

im not talking online.. no no aim there.. and since im only there like two nights i didnt really feel like installing it. they had msn messenger but since none of u have that i didnt really feel like logging on there.