confuse me. and i have so many thoughts on this subject i can barely keep them straight and conformed. what spurred this post is the conversation i just had with cj/joanna (i’m pretty sure they both were in on it, but who can tell anymore. since they’re not fighting today joanna’s defending him so they would basically say the same thing.) i’m so filled with frustration right now at her inability to even recall the feelings she has had in the past so that she could just understand why i feel this way. until now i hadn’t felt any animosity towards any of them specifically but right now i’m extremely pissed. i can’t believe that joanna would blast me for saying things to bobbi that she had said to me a thousand times. how can she not understand the need for release and objective discussion? she sounds exactly like him, EXACTLY like him. it’s funny how they’re arguments are so similar.

i just want to lay out exactly what my beef is right now. right at this specific moment becuz just hours ago it was completely different. i had absolutely no anger towards cj or joanna, it was more of a general frustration with the world and a purposeful disliking for everyone in it. joanna doesn’t understand that i had a lot of animosity and disagreement for everything that cj did to her during their relationship. she and cj brought me into a LOT of their fights, and all i wanted to do was help, and i did so successfully on several occasions, but i also did my shair of causing fights. that’s not the point here tho, the point is that i was involved with their shit and i couldn’;t talk to either becuz cj was so pigheaded and joanna would change her mind so frequently to coincide with cj’s apologies. so i turned to bobbi. she was literally the only alternative. and she was objective. now i get shit for doing that? i said nothing joanna hadn’t said to me. ui’m having a harsd time concentrating here, i took like 10 cold pills. all of that old forgotten animosity seems to have been reawakened. my experiment failed, i tried being a dickhead and waited for the love, and it never came. i have no devoted girlfriend or wife, no symbiotic best friend. all that has happened was loss. i lost 3 friends. one very god friend who seems to have turned on me. such is life i suppose. but you know what, you’re all right. i am a lousy friend, i put all my problems on everyone else, even when i explicitly say that it’s not their fault, which i don’t understand. just take every single bad thing you’ve ever thoyught about me and consider it justified. if i haven’t done enough to make it true let me know and i’ll put it on my to-do list. oh, and i was always secretly in love with both joanna and ginger. woohoo more reason to hate jr. what else.. i don’t know that i can bear this anymore. i just can’t believe the 180 joanna did tonight. oh how i wish i had saved all our chats so i could show her how absurd it is for her to defend him. but such is life. i was never a very good friend to any of you anyway. i mean i may have helped you occasionally when it suited my needs but the bad shit i did far outweighed that right? so why worry about what i’m doing now? why worry about qwhat comes next? the next step!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!