my thoughts like rain drip silently down the drain pipe of reality and meld into a pool of nothingne
it’s been days, or maybe weeks, since i’ve spoken to cj joanna floris mom dad sister brother aunt uncle cousin nephew neice. i feel truly alone in the world and it’s of my own doing. alas i cannot bear to speak to any of them, becuz they don’t say the things i want to hear or do the things i want them to do. i feel strangely at peace with it tho, it doesn’t bother me that i sit at home night after night with nary a phone call or email. it brings me back to my younger days, which means that soon i shall renew my violent tendencies i abondoned so long ago. it’s funny how life runs in circles. i guess one positive outcome of this solitude is that i can now focus on studying and pursuing certifications thru work, but is it enough to trade my sanity? i get strange looks from people on the street, in other cars, at work, becuz my face has gotten paler if possible and my eyes are dark and sometimes red. i look at myself in the mirror and i resemble a ghoul of some sort. i have odd urges to run the streets at night and steal babies. i itch almost compulsively all over my body, and i have begun to enjoy sweating. the AC broke nearly a week ago and i have not yet reported it. i am reminded of her all the time, every time i see a bronco or something related to australia or glass or vitamin c or cuba or cigars or any number of other things present in everyday life and i try to think of positive things, but the negative and made up things always reign supreme in my mind and i contemplate crossing that center line and plunging head on into oncoming traffic. my nails bleed from biting them too much. i toss and turn at night, never sleeping for more than a couple hours at once. i envy floris for being in paradise. i want to leave everything behind and run off, to rebuild myself, start over with a new body new mind new heart new soul. i want to be mean to people and have them love me for it. i want people to stop lying to me. i want my parents to be together, better yet, to have never been together. i wish my life had never begun. i contemplate buying a gun. i realize that were i to do anything no one would notice. it’s something to think about eh?
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JR Smith
23 minutes later
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Floris Leenders
7 hours, 11 minutes later
jr is there any way i can help.
u may want to consider a nice vacation.. its a good thought.. for me india has definaitly been an uplifting experience.
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JR Smith
15 hours, 37 minutes later
i’m doomed floris. doomed like the much-hyped DOOMSDAY DEVICE!! i feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. i vaguely remember smashing that old lady’s chair but i’m not sure if i did it or if it’s a dream.. but the chair is gone now. and so is she. and there’s a strange odor in the hallway now, i think she may have died for i have not seen her in the front lately. oddly enough no one has reported her missing or anything, i don’t believe so. yuck it up rugrats. this ride’s about to close, like the drachenfire, i give you all neck aches.
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CJ West
23 hours, 28 minutes later
no one is ever doomed, well I have terrible news I have a job, oh my god this sucks, well I’ll be working in the mornings which is pretty good but I won’t be able to see or even help her leave cuz I can’t get off work for 90 days I think I know now why no one works here. I think my mom is actually dying I’m not sure and we talk about it like a joke but she is going to the hospital every day for radiation treatments I’m really worried about her. I don’t wanna let on and act like she is or feel bad cuz it would make my mother seem weak, and I know she is far from that. I may say I dislike my mother but all the things I’ve done, true they aren’t that bad enough to be on Sally jesse Raphael but even so she still loves me unconditionally. JR some people aren’t given a long time on this earth and sometimes you take your life for granted. Don’t throw what you have away. Yeah its a bumpy road that you can’t see bobbi, but that bobbi road will get easier what does not kill you makes you stronger. Its sappy but true, the things I complain about are silly to you cuz worse has happened, just like unrequited love is something that I know you’ll get over. I’ve experienced stuff similar. Well with that I close what I was saying. I’m really bored right now. Floris when you come home make sure to tell that you are coming back. One more thing I think I will start attending church its wierd, but you let yourself listen you’ll hear something that will help you. If your curious I have proof. I’ve been having weird experiences like revelations and whatnot.
yank yank yank is the sound of my eyelashes being ripped out. i form small sculptures with them of the thing(s) i cherish then they are all blown away by even the smallest gust of wind. as this goes, so goes life.