here’s the skinny
i feel like utter shit. i am not going to be talking to much of anyone for a while. i sincerely tried to resist this slump but people are assholes and i just want to die. i am hollow. i have nothing left. my heart is a billion miles away. i have nothing left to strive for anymore. no hope. no dreams. all that i wished for before, whether it be with her or becuz of her, or not related to her at all, died. it’s all dead. i may have died along with it. no justin references. if you see this as being justin-like, then joanna, you should feel very very very bad. it may not be your fault but you should still feel bad, feel something, for even partly contributing to another person feeling like this. and cj, i can barely stand to talk to you lately. you have had more than you deserve for what a year? and now you want to toss it away. at least you realize how much of an ass you have been now, so some good came of it. but how will you feel when she’s gone, and you realize how much needless bullshit you caused with your games? how much hate and discontent you thrived on? this is why i may have seemed annoyed or easily agitated when talking to you. you bitch and bitch about joanna becuz she doesn’t wait on you hand and foot, read your mind, cater to your every need, you insult her when you finally do spend time with her and you pass them off as just jokes. you make up things to fight about. one day you will see how good a thing you lost. and it pisses me off that people like you, my stepdad, my dad, and the like always seem to have someone. they have someone and never consider they should cherish it, while i finally do what people used to say was the one thing holding me back and it doesn’t work out. the world is unfairly balanced. the attractive/outgoing have everything. fuck every last one of you. i’m sick of people and the world in general. i don’t have what it takes to make it. i have this large pain in the side of my skull that has been growing like a cancer all day. i fear that bobbi leaving may have amplified my somewhat forgotten suicidal lust. it all seems so possible- no, so neccessary now. i mean the simplest of things elude me. fireworks. god forbid cj should have to do something he doesn’t want to. and then, you ass, you call me to tell me you can see them from joanna’s?? what the hell is that about? were you trying to piss me off? i can’t even bear to think about anyone and their evil ways anymore. if you need me my shriveled bloodless body will be decaying in the closet. not really. maybe. who knows? life is not worth living. i have nothing i want, what i do have is not enough, and i don’t have the strength of will or character to change or get those things. and when you are in a place you hate, filled with things you hate, what do you do? you leave. i’m so bored. so filled with hate. so filled with sadness. i miss her… and what’s the worst thing about that? “certain people” don’t even think what i feel is real. like they would know what love feels like. or care for that matter. love is a black eye and bruised rib right? or a diminished self image and maleable will? i’d tend to disagree, but that’s just me. and with that i close this post, maybe the last before i privatize this journal. being public was a mistake.
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CJ West
13 hours, 8 minutes later
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JR Smith
14 hours, 39 minutes later
do what you feel is neccessary. i’ve spent much of my life alone and i expect much more of it to be spent that way. i sincerely doubt friends will have any impact on me in the near future anyway since they haven’t in the past. go off and be merry, i’m thru thinking or giving anything importance. it’s all bullshit. all of it. i think i’ve finally succeeded in pushing you people away, which means i can proceed.
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JR Smith
1 day later
a right to complain? am i wrong for only being able to voice my thoughts and feelings through a keyboard? do you realize how frustrating that is? do you care? don’t mistake this for anger at you cj, i’m mad at everything in the world except for one, and she’s a million miles away. let me ask you this. do you think i hurt more or less from her leaving than you feel from the thought of losing joanna? is it worse or better to have never had what i feel returned to me? my chest is hollow. i feel nothing but anger and annoyance for everything. i can’t bring myself to look anyone in the eyes for fear they will see my hatred for them that is undeserved. i’ve let it all go too far. and now i am paying the price for letting my imagination and emotions run wild and free. i long for the days when i kept everything bottled up inside and let no one know what was going on with me. i fear that someday in the future bobbi will find these entries and think ill of me, think i’m crazy or obsessed. i know what she thinks of other guys who are more or less in the same situation but i tell myself i’m different. maybe i’m not. i don’t know, but what i do know is that people are heartless beasts corrupted and confused by everyone else’s advise, never letting their conscience or even themselves guide their actions. we all do what others think we should, or expect, and if we don’t we come off as self centered. no one is truly altruistic, we are all selfish who only want to be happy, and who can blame us? how can you devote yourself to helping the next man when you are so incomplete and lost? what could you possibly say to make his life better when your own is in shambles? how can you expect them to know that? i’m not trying to judge you, becuz i don’t have to. you have seen how wrong you have been and you feel bad for it. i just have a hard time feeling sorry for you for that, since i have been saying these things for quite a while and you were always so defensive of yourself. what does the strawberry daquiri thing mean? it’s not my favorite drink.. it never was. just like wall ball was never something i enjoyed. i just did it to fit in.
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CJ West
1 day, 16 hours later
right to complain, but when you tear into to someone because of your angry it that’s different.
Because I’m one of the closest things to you I get the blunt end? What you keep forgetting is that everyone else has feelings to, yes we all are selfih I know this I’ve said that as well. But some of us try to help the others they care about cuz it hurts to see them sad. How do you think it feels to do so much work to me you happy, and then when it’s over get torn into for your mistakes? Remember I didn’t just sit back and be all over Joanna during your experience with bobbi. I talked to you, I got you to understand that bobbi wasn’t gonna leave you after one bad evening or that she doesn’t need to see you all the time to show that she cares or even talk to bobbi and try to see what she was feeling and remember I talked to her when she was really pissed I didn’t think that she was gonna not ever see you again like she said but I talked to her and tried to convince her to see you again. And after this I get I hate you CJ and how I never had an impact on you. When it was me who started this whole thing I didn’t have to do it, it wasn’t a big deal but I still did it. Its would be hard for bobbi to see this webpage considering none of us talked about it. The strawberry Daquiri was a metaphor. A strawberry daquiri is a current feeling of love, the drink before was another feeling of love. You found a feeling that surpassed the former feeling. So before that current feeling of love maybe you never were. Its talking about how I don’t know what love is and how you think I didn’t think what you felt was love. Thats my view you may think that bobbi is the greatest thing but thats the first girl you’ve opened up to so don’t count yourself out yet cuz someone else might be out there.
Thats your opinion and I can’t change it. But I wanna give you a lil insight as to why things are the way they are. You wanna know the reason why I and people like your stepdad and dad have someone. Yeah sure we may be evil in your eyes, but regardless of that we still stop complaining, get off our ass and find someone. Think about it do you actually think you would even had what you had without me or floris. Its not like Joanna fell into my lap, she was on bryans jock I waited and worked for her affection . Sure sarah was on my jock and occupied me during some of that time and how long did that last? That was a purely physical relationship and it ended when we got to know each other. Are we even friends? I worked to be with joanna, yeah maybe I don’t realize how much joanna means to me sometimes, but do u actually think that’s she’s still with me cuz I look like sisquo? Many guys are on joanna’s jock all the time, quite frankly I don’t understand why she’s with me sometimes.
You say that I don’t deserve Joanna cuz of the way I act, can it go the other way cuz you didn’t work for? But that’s neither here nor there. The funny thing is you tried to convince your self that your relationship with bobbi was exactly how you wanted it, to prevent heart break, but when it doesn’t go your way you lash out at me. And I’ve been there for you , pretty soon I’m not. Im gonna get tired of this, Yeah I didn’t wanna see fireworks on the 4th of July and you haven’t been in va beach during that time before it sucks really bad joanna agreed with me that mount trashmore wasn’t a good idea. I told you that we look at them from neighborhoods and when I called you and told you that we could see them from the neighborhood meaning we could see them “we” as in you joanna and I. I was trying to make what you wanted possible, but you didn’t see that did you?
Instead of lashing out a me and how the world is unfair why don’t u do something about it? You didn’t like being a home you did something about it. It pisses me off when you go around judging me about things. You insult the people who try the hardest to help you when they don’t have to. And if your referring to me with that last comment, JR maybe I don’t really know what love is, but who does? But before you judge me about my views think about this analogy. Before you drank a strawberry daquiri what was a your favorite drink?