my time with bobbi has ended. at least it ended on a good note tho.. sunday night was the last day i saw her. we saw AI, and went for a walk. it was really nice we got along very well. i wish it never would have ended but she was tired and had lots to do the next day, and i had to work the next morning. i didn’t think it would be the last time i saw her.. had i known that i probably would have told her how much i would miss her there in person. instead i had to say it in an email since i didn’t get to talk to her on the phone until just an hour and a half before her flight left. it left at 4, it’s 4:15 now, and i think it is starting to affect me. my chest is tight my eyes are red and i can’t breathe. god…

i wrote her an email sunday night replicated below:

it struck me tonight on the way home, since that’s when i do all my thinking, that i should let you know all the things you’ve done for me since january, and how much it means to me. you’ve given me a gift, a great gift that no one else so far has been able to give: self worth. a bit of self confidence. you’ve pretty much banished all of my self hating ways and given me a glimpse of the things i could have if i just let myself have them. i know this may all sound somewhat dramatic, over-thought, but in my mind it is quite real. i’ve told you how you affect me before but this time i feel like it’s going to stick, that i’ll be able to carry it for a long time if not ever. maybe it just has to do with the way i am looking at it now. i dunno.. but it’s a good thing. i’m going to miss you excrutiatingly when you leave, and it’ll be tough not being able to actually talk to you very often. but i know you’ll have a good time there, and you’ll learn all sorts of new things and have experiences that will stick with you. it’s really a great opportunity. but i’m getting off subject. aside from the night you got so pissed at me, every time i’ve seen you i come away feeling great. i don’t remember ever feeling quite the same way. and i know you want nothing more than friendship, which is completely ok with me, i don’t mean this to be some kind of confession or something, just a simple note to let you know how much good you’ve done for me. i only regret that i may not have done the same for you, and i’m sorry for that, but there are a lot of times when i just don’t know what to say or do. i need to hurry and get to bed, i wanted this to be longer, but i’ll just close by saying you’re great, don’t let anything or anybody convince you otherwise. just remember that if you ever feel down.. JR thinks the world of you :)

JR

she read it yesterday. she said she was going to keep that one, cuz it made her feel very good. :)

last night i had this strange dream about her. i overslept and didn’t get to talk to her before she left. i called her house and they said her flight was delayed and she was still at the airport. i drove there without showering or changing clothes or anything and found her alone there. i ran over and we talked for a little while i can’t remember what about, then she said she would drive me home. we walked out to the car and i asked her if she was going to miss her flight. she said she was taking a bus instead and it doesn’t leave for a couple hours. we were in her car, and it had started snowing, and she drove me to my uncle’s house and i got out, she got out and came around to the other side, i thought she wanted a hug so i hugged her and she was like surprised and sorta pushed me away and went to check a scratch on her car. she got back in and i was standing there crushed and i said don’t forget about me and she said c’mere and i leaned in and kissed her then fell into the car frozen with shock. i went in the house and the whole family knew all about what had been happening since the beginning and they kept asking me questions but i just ignored them…

what am i going to do?? i don’t see how i can survive now. how did she become so important to me again? what does she think of me really? she says she really likes me.. i don’t know. had she not been leaving could something have developed? had she not been leaving would i have spent so much time with her? am i dreaming? am i dying? am i dead?