death of a salesman
1:00 AM. my head is filled with thoughts of love and happiness and how they’ve eluded me this final time as i drive home from seeing bobbi. i think about the past month, the past 6 months, and everything that has happened. the trip to holland. rediscovering bobbi and feelings thought to be lost long ago. turbulence in my friendship with cj. serious depressions. the roller coaster of emotions. that sense of longing and emptiness. i think about the small thread of hope i have been clinging to over the past 2 weeks and how today, as suddenly as it came, it died. i hate myself for thinking that something may actually come from this aside from a good friend. i hate myself for believing that i could have things other people have, i could lead a better life, i too could be happy. but i don’t blame her. how can i? it’s not her fault i look this way. or act this way. it’s not her fault i’m a failure. she is better off not choosing to settle for me. but i can’t help but think of what might have been…
my eyes have watered. i am no longer paying attention to my driving. i remember the pillar i had picked out months ago during a particularly bad bout of depression. suddenly i’m angry. angry at my parents for having created me and their inability to act as parents should. angry at myself for not being good enough for those i care about. angry at the world for existing. i have passed the pillar now, since it’s on the opposite side of the highway, so i get off and back on, picking up speed. but there are too many cars here tonight, i would not be able to pick up enough speed before coming to the pillar. i decide to go home and wait a few hours, when there wouldn’t be many cars on the road…
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Floris Leenders
16 hours, 7 minutes later
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CJ West
16 hours, 21 minutes later
Basically it was all Floris’s fault, I’d say it was all of his fault the one time i don’t say “floris, they’re breaking stop damn it” We spin out and hit the damn concrete barrier, Not fun, kinda crazy screaming “floris!!!!” while we crossed all those lanes to avoid a fender bender only to cross them again while the car lost control hitting the barrier. Well it was bad very bad..
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JR Smith
16 hours, 36 minutes later
that’s not the only reason. i just like being around her she’s a good person and i can talk to her, most of the time.
but…
i did hope for more. and i can’t not think about that now. i’ve never been able to take rejection well at all, and this is rejection despite it’s amicable aftereffects. to think that i came this close and still was not enough is crushing. i’ve felt this way before, albeit not as strong, and it sux. becuz i know it’s true, it’s not something i can lie to myself and say it’s not me it’s her about. i don’t expect you or cj to understand. all i can hope for is to hold off my urges and try to use my better judgement….
why doesnt friendship please u jr?
i would have thought that a friendship with bobbi would be a good thing.
i know i say this too much but try to look at it rationalistically, not pessimisticly, or optimisticly, just look at how things are and accept it for that.
is the only reason u enjoyed your friendship with bobbi because there was hope for further growth? i remember u saying on numerous occasions that u liked it just how it was and would like it to stay that way. has that changed now?..
anyways think about it.
in other new me and cj almost died today, basically my fault.. have u ever had a spin out on the highway before? well this one took a nice 3 lanes. ending reversed, against the concrete barrier.
let me tell u.. lots of fun.. u should try it some time.