my thoughts
i wanted to call bobbi tonight, but cj was here til like 9:45 and my mom wouldn’t get off the fucking phone.i spent that time in agony thinking about how great i felt when i was with her thursday, how bad i felt when she left us friday, and how i wished i could just talk to her either on the phone or email or aim or something. anything. i keep thinking she has already gone and left for california, without telling me, and i won’t hear from her again. ever. i’m not sure what my feelings for her are; i want to be around her all the time but i don’t want to.. become intimate. i don’t want to change things. at least not right now. that’s why i was so shocked and scared when she suggested we go back to her house so out of the blue.. well also becuz i just didn’t expect anything like that. we had a great talk that night, i didn’t want to leave but she was tired and i had to work the next day. then friday was… well, we went to a movie so talking wasn’t abundant. when she was late i was very very worried she had gotten into an accident since it was raining so bad. and atr the end of the movie she seemed eager to leave.. i don’t know if i said or did something wrong, or if i was acting differently since cj was there. i don’t know. she had gotten into a fight with her dad that night so maybe she was just preoccupied. i wanted to make her feel better but i had no idea what to do. now i’m wrestling with heartache becuz i couldn’t get ahold of her. i’m so confused. i want to pour my heart out but i don’t know what’s in there. i want to be sure of my feelings, to let everyobne know exactly where i stand, but i don’t know myself. i have all these conflicting feelings. i more than anything just want to be part of her life, as a friend as whatever. friend is probably prefferable.. and i’m not sure what she feels anymore. at first it was kinda like i was there but if i left, no big deal.. then it progressed to her actually wanting me to be around. now i don’t know. i think i am growing on her, but she hasn’t tried to call me, so maybe not. i can’t breathe. i seriously cannot breathe. i have to go outside and try not to die. or do i?
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CJ West
2 hours, 38 minutes later
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Floris Leenders
9 hours, 28 minutes later
where my computer is and where i live are at the moment not one and the same.. im working on getting my cable modem hooked up at my new place but its taking a bit longer than expected.. so for the moment my comp is still at my old place.. along with a few other random articles..
so thats why, im thinking of just taking my comp back there now.. maybe ill just do it tomorrow, ill be without internet for a littlw while though.. could be slightly problem-matic, but its something i guess ill/youll have to deal with. anyways, ill be there within a week, so dont worry so much.. and then youll have as much communication with me as u want.. hehe.. i know this is all really bad timing.. my moving an everything going on there.. but theres nothing i can do about it.. its also coming out really bad for me..
but ill talk to u later.. i have to go now, i still have the internet cafe around the corner from me… although i doubt ill be spending much time there. im really really really really busy right now with all kinds of stupid projects that have to be dont this week, so bare with me here. its not easy for me either.. i may come online occasionally.
but i think the best way to communicate will probably be either on this site, or via email, and by that i would mean my gmx account [necron-99@gmx.net] i dont think i can check my chello account from a computer not hooked up to the chello network..
heh and cj, if its night time here…. dont bother sending so many sms messeges… its doesnt help, because i wont be able to get online.. just be patient… -
Floris Leenders
9 hours, 39 minutes later
oh yeah and almost forgot… jr, dont worry so much about your emotions killing u.. heh its somthing called love (if u believe in that).. anyways, just dont get too worrysome/protective of her, that can cause problems, if shes a little late dont worry about it, just think of it like if cj were late.. i mean u dont really worry about that either.. well unless hes really really late..
anyways, dont get too worked up about these little things, dont miss the beauty of friendship, u dont have to worry about stuff as much, everything is a lot more casual, no built in obligations… save all that for a relationship.. heh, thats where that stuff comes in.
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CJ West
15 hours, 25 minutes later
Floris hurry your ass up and get home. Damn I’m almost going crazy here. I need another jobless fuck to keep me company during the day. I’ve resorted to popping pills of vacidin to make myself happy but hell the shit is hardly working. My legs are dead right now so that cool..Anyway
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Joanna
21 hours, 3 minutes later
Where did you get vacidin?
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CJ West
21 hours, 15 minutes later
That really doesn’t matter does it? I want to enjoy myself on vicadin. I think should be able to
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CJ West
1 day, 1 hour later
Give CJ credit for seeing memento
Memento was sweet
Just like american Psycho
You owe CJ 20 bucks
Don’t trust Joanna
Floris does sheep -
Joanna
1 day, 12 hours later
deleted by request of author 06/05/2001 11:39 am
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CJ West
1 day, 12 hours later
ASK JR I had to put something there, You name was the last thing left so I put it there.You are jumping to conclusions.I’m not gonna go down to that level.
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Joanna
1 day, 18 hours later
I just wanted to apologize to CJ and anyone who read the post I put up earlier. What I said was uncalled for and misleading. I misunderstood something and it caused a most unecessary mess. I wanna apologize to JR for putting up crap like that on his site and most and foremost I wanna apologize to CJ for letting my anger get the better of me. I love CJ very much and I’m truly sorry.
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JR Smith
10 months later
the movie was bridget jones’ diary
I almost died tonight.. I was driving around thinking about my situation with joanna and I decided to bring BJ along cuz I take him on alot of my aimless drives. Anyway I was on the road and i was making a right turn and a car was behind me BJ decided to try and run under my arm to get to my window and pushing my arm and making me vear off the road. Boy did that suck. And floris where the hell are you I’m gonna take some ” ” Jr you know…