i know who “a friend” is. it was pretty much aimed at that person.

j.r. -
i’m glad you wrote what you did, because i am getting tired of people talking to me about this site too. I know that their hearts are in the right spot, but i keep telling them to leave you alone. I have been looking at your site for a long time, and someone told me a couple weeks ago or so that i should look at it. i told this person that you were depressed, but if they were interested enough to call me that they should go back to the beginning and read everything and they would see more than just reading a couple of entries. all this ties together. Not to make light of anything you write, you are going through what everyone else does at some time in their life. Most people keep it in, you chose to express yourself. You share your innermost thoughts on this web site, and i’m sure it helps you deal somewhat. you are not abnormal, you are actually quite smart for airing things the way you do. I have a hard time talking too, think about it, most of our talks are emails. It is a way to express yourself without getting interrupted or immediate input. things tend to get lost when you try to talk to someone, i know this, you know this. people who don’t know how to see the whole picture think all sorts of horrible things, and worry enough that they think its necessary to call your mother, these people obviously have never had any problems or just don’t remember being a young adult with decisions to make and paths to choose. It is a very frustrating time of your life and at your age things could go in any direction, maybe the people who love you don’t remember that because they’ve already made their choices and have been adult too long, they are settled, you are trying to get settled. i have made your point to all concerned, before you wrote this. i’m pretty sure they think that i don’t care, and i’ve really pissed someone off pretty bad because they said i should recommend counseling for you, and I say you are a grown man with fears and concerns and apprension and you were suffering the loss of a girl and a friend. I don’t think I’m too far off base, I could pull out my old diary when I was your age, and the dreams and state of mind are very similar. I didn’t get counseling and I didn’t kill myself or anyone else, i just wrote like you do, and eventually everything worked out. It takes time and I suppose the people you know don’t understand because they’ve been on this earth longer than you and just really don’t remember. They are very lucky if they never felt the pain of growing into an adult, making choices, getting confused, losing some, winning some. You have the whole world in front of you and you are standing there trying to figure out what to do and you are doing it too fast and your subconscious is trying to tell you to slow down, take your time and figure things out one step at a time. Put one foot in front of the other and try not to worry so much, don’t take everything so seriously, it is freaking people out (not me, I understand). I figure that as long as you are still picking me up and twirling me arountil I get dizzy and putting me in my room you are okay. If you ever stop that I think I will worry. Don’t get too upset with the people who want to talk to you about this, they don’t know how your mind works. Older people think you need to talk about stuff, they don’t understand that this works better, it gets out and you feel better and you don’t have to listen to advice (like this) if you don’t want to and you don’t have to pretend your listening because they can’t see you. Personally i think this works out much better, and yes I have been keeping up with it, no I don’t say anything, because when you say something i feel is maybe a little ominous I just mess with you until you get ticked off and put me to bed and then I’m sure you are okay. I’m not sure who it is that is trying to discuss it with you, if you tell me i’ll get them off your back for you, hell i’ve already pissed your grandma slam off because of it, it wouldn’t kill me to do it again. i have no problem telling anyone to leave you alone, after all these years i’ve finally gotten them to leave me alone about my personal life. By the way - was the cult that carried me the bald headed kind with white robes?? Don’t dream that again, THAT scares me!
Your mom