the coming weeks promise to bring many changes and challenges. on the positive side, i am going to holland for 2 weeks (the 10th to the 23rd) and when i come back there’s a very good chance i will either not know where i live or have no place at all to live. mike’s drunken rants and abusiveness have gotten worse and worse, and i think my mom has finally had it. she says she is going to try to find a new place to live while i’m in holland, and i’m not sure if that means she wants me to move out or not. i swear i am so sick of everything lately. it’s bad enough i was having problems with my friends i now am going to have to deal with life changing decisions in my family. i sometimes think that alll this bullshit simply is too high a price to pay to continue a mediocre life at best life. i hope and wish for some freak accident or drunk driver to take me out so i can be rid of all this. not to mention these strange feelings i have been having…

i had the opportunity to talk to bobbi online today but i squandered it under the guise of feeling too down and depressed and angry to be able to chat but the real reasons are:

1) i was scared shitless.. i always get that way with girls it’s just how i am and damn bobbi was fine

2) i still am not really 100% sure i believe that it is actually her

3) what would be the point? there’s absolutely no way in hell that she would be interested in me romantically, and friendship would be a good thing except i had a pretty big crush on her for a while, i think that i would always gravitate towards that instead of plutonic friendship..